It's a Chef's Life ...

What you can expect from making a living in a professional kitchen:

1 You'll almost always have open wounds on your hands and arms.

2 You'll never meet new people because your social life deteriorates into non-existence.

3 You'll find it hard to start relationships because alone time will become a precious thing.

4 You'll lose your social skills.

5 Your sense of humour will degrade into the politically incorrect and socially unacceptable

6 You'll eventually start swearing like a sailor and you won't even notice yourself doing it.

7 You'll turn into an anorak/monomaniac and always turn all conversations back to food.

8 You'll earn a pittance for years/decades.

9 You'll either lose a vast amount of weight or gain a vast amount of weight.

10 You'll never ever have a tan ever again.

11 You won't become famous.

12 You'll develop a habit, whether it be coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, cannabis,cocaine, or even red bull.

13 Your feet will get destroyed.

14 Your back will get destroyed.

15 Your hands will get destroyed.

16 You'll live in a constant state of sleep deprivation, indefinitely.

17 You'll have to ask your friends to plan everything around your schedule, which is incomplete opposition with their availability, because you never know your days off inadvance and you probably won't be able to change it.

18 You'll become of a very highly strung nature

19 You'll become more prone to temper flare ups

20 Your awareness of other people's lack of efficiency and common sense will increase and your tolerance of it will decrease.

21 You'll spend the largest part of your life cooped up in a small, undecorated room withpoor ventilation, high temperatures, a lot of noise, humidity, no natural light and nowindows, with a small group of people who will become your only social interactions.

22 You will work longer hours than you ever imagined possible or thought legal.

23 You will spend all your waking hours on your feet, never getting a chance to sit downeven for 5 minutes.

24 Your shortest work days will be longer than most people's longest, and your longer workdays, which make up about half of your working week, will be longer than the averageperson is awake in a day.

25 You will not cook gourmet dinners at home. You'll be too tired, and too fed up of cooking.

26 You will probably start eating mostly fast food and cheap instant noodles.

27 You will be the subject of abuse, whether physical or emotional. Officially, it will be as a test of character. In reality, it will be as a form of entertainment.

28 You will end up spending so much time at work that your colleagues will know you better than your partner/family/friends do.

29 You will meet and form strong bonds with types of people whom you'd previously never even have imagined sharing conversations with.

30 You will be in a constant state of stress.

31 You will never be irreplaceable and will be expected to constantly give 110%.

32 You will always be exhausted.

33 You will not be allowed to call in sick for a hangover.

34 You will be expected to place your work before any other part of your life in your list of priorities.

35 You will never be congratulated on your work.

36 You will be expected to treat your superiors as absolute masters and never answer back, try to explain yourself, start a conversation, or show any other type of insubordination, even if you know that they are in the wrong or feel as if their behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

37 It will become very difficult to watch friends cook.

38 Your mum will stop cooking for you because she feels embarrassed.

39 You will be expected to cook for family gatherings such as Christmas EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Luckily, at least one year out of two, you will be working on Christmas.

40 At least one year out of two, and maybe every year, you will work Christmas, New Year'sEve, Easter, Valentine's day, Mother's day, Father's day, bank holidays, Halloween, your birthday, and pretty much every other day of celebration on the calendar.

41 You will have to work many years in menial positions before attaining any level of authority in the workplace.

42 The better the restaurant is, the longer the work hours become, the more pressure youend up under, the more unhealthy your lifestyle will become, the more likely you will beto develop a habit, the more competitive the people around you will become, the lesssleep you'll get, the less you'll eat etc.

43 You will constantly make mistakes, and every time you do make a mistake, someone willnotice it and make you understand that you are clearly a subhuman because only asubhuman could make such a mistake.

44 If you are a woman, you will constantly be the subject of misogynist remarks and jokes,sexual harassment, belittlement and remarks about your menstrual cycle.

45 None of your friends or family will understand what is involved in your work and you willnever be able to make them understand.

46 You will spend vast amounts of money on equipment, books, eating in good restaurantsetc, which will leave you with not much money for other things.

47 You will develop a creepy obsession with knives.

48 If you are a pastry chef, you will develop a creepy obsession with spoons.

49 You will get a rash in your arse crack from the mixture of heat, sweat and friction that will not heal well, sometimes get infected, will mostly always be slimy and itchy and will be there most of the time.

50 If you are the right type of person, you will thank your lucky star every single day for the rest of your life for making you take the best decision you ever did and become a chef. And you will fall in love with your job and never look back.

You must be Lentil mate!

You would be mad not to try to incorporate these little packets of protein in to your weekly menus, a must for any vegetarian out there. I have been looking to expand my culinary knowledge and find more recipes using lentils in dishes like dahl's and stews. 

In my pursuit I found this recipe from one of my favourite chefs of the moment. I recently caught up with Yotam Ottolenghi's 'Mediterranean Feast' on Channel 4 and have since done the social media stalker thingy on twitter.

This guy is my kinda chef, I like his ethos "Our food is familiar and straight forward, yet highly innovative. It is familiar because it is personal. It is made and served by a group of people who love preparing food as well as indulging in it, gorging on it, chatting about it endlessly. It is a way of life, somewhere between a healthy obsession and a bad habit we can’t kick."

This is a great vegetarian recipe, but being the beastly carnivore I had some lamb chops  I knew would go rather well with this recipe. I also couldn't resist a twist and a tweak, but only to the final garnishes. Serves four. 

For the lamb marinade (optional):

8 lamb chops/cutlets or 4 lamb steaks (tenderise steaks) 
3 cloves of garlic, crushed

1 lemon, zest & juice

2 sprigs of rosemary chopped

Small bunch of oregano, leaves removed & chopped (1 tsp of dried will do)

Black pepper

Olive oil

In a large flat dish pour in a couple of large lugs of olive oil, add to this the garlic, lemon zest, juice, herbs and a good grind of black pepper. Place the lamb in the dish and coat well in the marinade, cover with cling film and place in the fridge. Ideally you want to marinate these for 8 hours, if time is of a premium try to give them at least an hour. 

Yotam's Lenils:

My Tweaks:

4 roasted garlic cloves in with the roasted aubergine flesh.

1 diced red chilli in with the roasted vegetables.

Some crumbled feta cheese in with the lentils. 

Putting it all together:

While the carrot, celery and tomatoes are roasting in the oven I started my chops on a very hot griddle standing them side by side on their fatty rinds until coloured nicely. I then  cooked them on each side for 2/3 minutes, brushing them with the marinade. As my chops were very thick I finished them under the grill to ensure the fat was crisp and golden. If your chops are small, or using steaks then do the whole process using just one of the above methods. Plate up as Yotam does, just placing the meat on top and garnishing with some extra chopped dill, parsley and coriander. 

UK Seasonal Food Chart

 This is the most useful and simple chart I have found to show all of the seasonal food available throughout the year when it's at its best. A must for all of you foodies out there. Take a look here.

Culinary Creations - In Pictures

Some snaps of of things created or grown at work or home...

Seasonal Update: April

"Sweet April showers do spring May flowers." - Thomas Tusser.

Fat chance. Standing at the sink this evening, I was filling a small watering can at the same time questioning why I was about to go outside and water my seedlings at all. It's cold, and seems unusually so for this time of year. As I glanced up out of the kitchen window all I could see was a shower of snow not rain.

The sprouts on my radishes have just started to burst through the damp darkness of the fresh compost from which they were planted less than a week ago. Admittedly I have a small plastic greenhouse, and if I had sown the seeds earlier I could have had fresh radishes before the month is out. Either way, these are a seasonal veg and will brighten up salads and slaws with their peppery crunch. 

If said radish is stacked with watercress, a bed for a fillet of wild salmon served with a side of Jersey Royals then you really are quite the seasonal purist. Seafood is a common theme throughout the month as lobster is in season with crab, brown sea trout and turbot coming in. 

Ironically this morning I did come across a seasonal treat while walking to work. No, I did not come across a clump of dandelions on a verge. Nor did I cop the first sighting of outdoor rhubarb on someones allotment. What I did see was the unfortunate body of a rather plump wood pigeon, face down in the pavement. 

I did not stop to inspect how this particular bird met its demise. I was however carrying my knife wallet back after the Easter break. After gutting & plucking a few lunch ideas went through my mind but they soon passed as at the same time the possibilities of how it met its seemingly untimely end did too. In all seriousness you can get a perfectly good wood pigeon prepped by your butcher rather than the neighbourhood moggy.  

"A Royale with Cheese!"

My top 5 Movie Food Scenes

A lot of the romance of these scenes for me has to come from the fact a few of them are in my top movies of all time, so therefore a little biased. Hell, it's my blog so you'll just have deal with it. The inspiration for this came as I was watching The Godfather this week and It's made it onto the list.

5. John Candy - Uncle Buck- Pancakes & Toast! 

The late great John Candy plays ineligible bachelor and university of lifer 'Buck Russell' who's reluctantly given the task of looking after his nephew & nieces. He serves up giant birthday pancakes & toast much to the amazement of a young Macaulay Culkin. "This is where you separate the men from the boys." he says, as he tosses one with a giant snow shovel. Heston Blumenthal are you watching? I could only find the trailer for this one but the pancake is in there. 

4. Al Pacino & Johnny Depp - Donnie Brasco - 'Punch or Pinch' 

This the legendary story of mafia infiltration by FBI agent Jospeph D. Pistone a.k.a Donnie Brasco (Depp). In it an hillarious scene where Benjamin 'Lefty' Ruggiero (Pacino) shows Donnie how to make his Coq au Vin. Lefty is a tough old school wiseguy loaded with chauvinism explaining how, "Wherever you go the best cooks are men." His partner Annette admits, "I can't cook special like Benny." All this before he sets fire to the stove and cowardly directs her to put out the flames. Funny? Forgeeeddaaaaboutit! 

3. Richard S. Castellano - The Godfather - Clemenza's Meatballs

One of the greatest films of all time had to have a great food scene, right? In fact there's a couple for me but I chose the sweet one a opposed to the violent one. Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) is enduring an uncomfortable telephone conversation with future wife Kay, who is trying to squeeze an 'I love you' out of him in a room full of hungry henchmen. One of those is hit-man 'Clemenza' (Castellano) who is now chef, and after mocking him summons Michael to come learn something. "You never know you might have to cook for 20 guys someday." Tell me about it Clem. Tell me about it.  

2. John Travolta & Uma Thurman - Pulp Fiction - Jack Rabbit Slims

This is one of my favourite movie scenes of all time regardless of any food, and there's more than a couple to chose from in the whole movie. But, for me this is fantastic. Cool, sexy, romantic, funny, uncomfortable, and all washed down with a $5 shake. God damn! Not the full scene to its jiving end so you'll just have to go watch it. Again and again. 

1. Ray Liotta - Goodfellas - Dinner in Prison

Predictable? Probably. My favourite movie of all time and the pleasure it brings me is indescribable and I will never get bored of watching it. Despite the prison backdrop, it shows the Italian love and passion that goes into every meal. The critique of the sauce, the razor cut garlic system, bread, wine, "Now we can eat!" All the the tune of 'Beyond the Sea sung by Bobby Darin. Magical. 

What are your favourite foodie scenes of all time? 

Jason Atherton - Menu Watch

Found this great quote from chef Jason Atherton about the simplicity of food. How it should be:

"My philosophy in life is this: There is good food and there is bad food. I’ve eaten all over the world and I’ve had bad meals, so I’ve eaten bad food. It’s just bad food; it doesn’t matter what it’s dressed up as.

I’ve been to a beautiful steak restaurant in Italy by Dario Cecchini. All this guy does is crudités as a starter – the vegetables are grown in the garden. He washes them, puts them in a basket with garlic mayonnaise and that’s it.

You break them and you eat them, while he’s cooking this Florentine steak from his own cattle. He serves with it tempura ceps and artichokes. That’s it. It’s just delicious. So that’s great food.

It doesn’t matter if it’s three star, one star or no stars; if it’s good food, it’s good food."

Read the whole interview here.