It's a Chef's Life ...

What you can expect from making a living in a professional kitchen:

1 You'll almost always have open wounds on your hands and arms.

2 You'll never meet new people because your social life deteriorates into non-existence.

3 You'll find it hard to start relationships because alone time will become a precious thing.

4 You'll lose your social skills.

5 Your sense of humour will degrade into the politically incorrect and socially unacceptable

6 You'll eventually start swearing like a sailor and you won't even notice yourself doing it.

7 You'll turn into an anorak/monomaniac and always turn all conversations back to food.

8 You'll earn a pittance for years/decades.

9 You'll either lose a vast amount of weight or gain a vast amount of weight.

10 You'll never ever have a tan ever again.

11 You won't become famous.

12 You'll develop a habit, whether it be coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, cannabis,cocaine, or even red bull.

13 Your feet will get destroyed.

14 Your back will get destroyed.

15 Your hands will get destroyed.

16 You'll live in a constant state of sleep deprivation, indefinitely.

17 You'll have to ask your friends to plan everything around your schedule, which is incomplete opposition with their availability, because you never know your days off inadvance and you probably won't be able to change it.

18 You'll become of a very highly strung nature

19 You'll become more prone to temper flare ups

20 Your awareness of other people's lack of efficiency and common sense will increase and your tolerance of it will decrease.

21 You'll spend the largest part of your life cooped up in a small, undecorated room withpoor ventilation, high temperatures, a lot of noise, humidity, no natural light and nowindows, with a small group of people who will become your only social interactions.

22 You will work longer hours than you ever imagined possible or thought legal.

23 You will spend all your waking hours on your feet, never getting a chance to sit downeven for 5 minutes.

24 Your shortest work days will be longer than most people's longest, and your longer workdays, which make up about half of your working week, will be longer than the averageperson is awake in a day.

25 You will not cook gourmet dinners at home. You'll be too tired, and too fed up of cooking.

26 You will probably start eating mostly fast food and cheap instant noodles.

27 You will be the subject of abuse, whether physical or emotional. Officially, it will be as a test of character. In reality, it will be as a form of entertainment.

28 You will end up spending so much time at work that your colleagues will know you better than your partner/family/friends do.

29 You will meet and form strong bonds with types of people whom you'd previously never even have imagined sharing conversations with.

30 You will be in a constant state of stress.

31 You will never be irreplaceable and will be expected to constantly give 110%.

32 You will always be exhausted.

33 You will not be allowed to call in sick for a hangover.

34 You will be expected to place your work before any other part of your life in your list of priorities.

35 You will never be congratulated on your work.

36 You will be expected to treat your superiors as absolute masters and never answer back, try to explain yourself, start a conversation, or show any other type of insubordination, even if you know that they are in the wrong or feel as if their behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

37 It will become very difficult to watch friends cook.

38 Your mum will stop cooking for you because she feels embarrassed.

39 You will be expected to cook for family gatherings such as Christmas EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Luckily, at least one year out of two, you will be working on Christmas.

40 At least one year out of two, and maybe every year, you will work Christmas, New Year'sEve, Easter, Valentine's day, Mother's day, Father's day, bank holidays, Halloween, your birthday, and pretty much every other day of celebration on the calendar.

41 You will have to work many years in menial positions before attaining any level of authority in the workplace.

42 The better the restaurant is, the longer the work hours become, the more pressure youend up under, the more unhealthy your lifestyle will become, the more likely you will beto develop a habit, the more competitive the people around you will become, the lesssleep you'll get, the less you'll eat etc.

43 You will constantly make mistakes, and every time you do make a mistake, someone willnotice it and make you understand that you are clearly a subhuman because only asubhuman could make such a mistake.

44 If you are a woman, you will constantly be the subject of misogynist remarks and jokes,sexual harassment, belittlement and remarks about your menstrual cycle.

45 None of your friends or family will understand what is involved in your work and you willnever be able to make them understand.

46 You will spend vast amounts of money on equipment, books, eating in good restaurantsetc, which will leave you with not much money for other things.

47 You will develop a creepy obsession with knives.

48 If you are a pastry chef, you will develop a creepy obsession with spoons.

49 You will get a rash in your arse crack from the mixture of heat, sweat and friction that will not heal well, sometimes get infected, will mostly always be slimy and itchy and will be there most of the time.

50 If you are the right type of person, you will thank your lucky star every single day for the rest of your life for making you take the best decision you ever did and become a chef. And you will fall in love with your job and never look back.

You must be Lentil mate!

You would be mad not to try to incorporate these little packets of protein in to your weekly menus, a must for any vegetarian out there. I have been looking to expand my culinary knowledge and find more recipes using lentils in dishes like dahl's and stews. 

In my pursuit I found this recipe from one of my favourite chefs of the moment. I recently caught up with Yotam Ottolenghi's 'Mediterranean Feast' on Channel 4 and have since done the social media stalker thingy on twitter.

This guy is my kinda chef, I like his ethos "Our food is familiar and straight forward, yet highly innovative. It is familiar because it is personal. It is made and served by a group of people who love preparing food as well as indulging in it, gorging on it, chatting about it endlessly. It is a way of life, somewhere between a healthy obsession and a bad habit we can’t kick."

This is a great vegetarian recipe, but being the beastly carnivore I had some lamb chops  I knew would go rather well with this recipe. I also couldn't resist a twist and a tweak, but only to the final garnishes. Serves four. 

For the lamb marinade (optional):

8 lamb chops/cutlets or 4 lamb steaks (tenderise steaks) 
3 cloves of garlic, crushed

1 lemon, zest & juice

2 sprigs of rosemary chopped

Small bunch of oregano, leaves removed & chopped (1 tsp of dried will do)

Black pepper

Olive oil

In a large flat dish pour in a couple of large lugs of olive oil, add to this the garlic, lemon zest, juice, herbs and a good grind of black pepper. Place the lamb in the dish and coat well in the marinade, cover with cling film and place in the fridge. Ideally you want to marinate these for 8 hours, if time is of a premium try to give them at least an hour. 

Yotam's Lenils:

My Tweaks:

4 roasted garlic cloves in with the roasted aubergine flesh.

1 diced red chilli in with the roasted vegetables.

Some crumbled feta cheese in with the lentils. 

Putting it all together:

While the carrot, celery and tomatoes are roasting in the oven I started my chops on a very hot griddle standing them side by side on their fatty rinds until coloured nicely. I then  cooked them on each side for 2/3 minutes, brushing them with the marinade. As my chops were very thick I finished them under the grill to ensure the fat was crisp and golden. If your chops are small, or using steaks then do the whole process using just one of the above methods. Plate up as Yotam does, just placing the meat on top and garnishing with some extra chopped dill, parsley and coriander. 

UK Seasonal Food Chart

 This is the most useful and simple chart I have found to show all of the seasonal food available throughout the year when it's at its best. A must for all of you foodies out there. Take a look here.

Culinary Creations - In Pictures

Some snaps of of things created or grown at work or home...

Seasonal Update: April

"Sweet April showers do spring May flowers." - Thomas Tusser.

Fat chance. Standing at the sink this evening, I was filling a small watering can at the same time questioning why I was about to go outside and water my seedlings at all. It's cold, and seems unusually so for this time of year. As I glanced up out of the kitchen window all I could see was a shower of snow not rain.

The sprouts on my radishes have just started to burst through the damp darkness of the fresh compost from which they were planted less than a week ago. Admittedly I have a small plastic greenhouse, and if I had sown the seeds earlier I could have had fresh radishes before the month is out. Either way, these are a seasonal veg and will brighten up salads and slaws with their peppery crunch. 

If said radish is stacked with watercress, a bed for a fillet of wild salmon served with a side of Jersey Royals then you really are quite the seasonal purist. Seafood is a common theme throughout the month as lobster is in season with crab, brown sea trout and turbot coming in. 

Ironically this morning I did come across a seasonal treat while walking to work. No, I did not come across a clump of dandelions on a verge. Nor did I cop the first sighting of outdoor rhubarb on someones allotment. What I did see was the unfortunate body of a rather plump wood pigeon, face down in the pavement. 

I did not stop to inspect how this particular bird met its demise. I was however carrying my knife wallet back after the Easter break. After gutting & plucking a few lunch ideas went through my mind but they soon passed as at the same time the possibilities of how it met its seemingly untimely end did too. In all seriousness you can get a perfectly good wood pigeon prepped by your butcher rather than the neighbourhood moggy.  

"A Royale with Cheese!"

My top 5 Movie Food Scenes

A lot of the romance of these scenes for me has to come from the fact a few of them are in my top movies of all time, so therefore a little biased. Hell, it's my blog so you'll just have deal with it. The inspiration for this came as I was watching The Godfather this week and It's made it onto the list.

5. John Candy - Uncle Buck- Pancakes & Toast! 

The late great John Candy plays ineligible bachelor and university of lifer 'Buck Russell' who's reluctantly given the task of looking after his nephew & nieces. He serves up giant birthday pancakes & toast much to the amazement of a young Macaulay Culkin. "This is where you separate the men from the boys." he says, as he tosses one with a giant snow shovel. Heston Blumenthal are you watching? I could only find the trailer for this one but the pancake is in there. 

4. Al Pacino & Johnny Depp - Donnie Brasco - 'Punch or Pinch' 

This the legendary story of mafia infiltration by FBI agent Jospeph D. Pistone a.k.a Donnie Brasco (Depp). In it an hillarious scene where Benjamin 'Lefty' Ruggiero (Pacino) shows Donnie how to make his Coq au Vin. Lefty is a tough old school wiseguy loaded with chauvinism explaining how, "Wherever you go the best cooks are men." His partner Annette admits, "I can't cook special like Benny." All this before he sets fire to the stove and cowardly directs her to put out the flames. Funny? Forgeeeddaaaaboutit! 

3. Richard S. Castellano - The Godfather - Clemenza's Meatballs

One of the greatest films of all time had to have a great food scene, right? In fact there's a couple for me but I chose the sweet one a opposed to the violent one. Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) is enduring an uncomfortable telephone conversation with future wife Kay, who is trying to squeeze an 'I love you' out of him in a room full of hungry henchmen. One of those is hit-man 'Clemenza' (Castellano) who is now chef, and after mocking him summons Michael to come learn something. "You never know you might have to cook for 20 guys someday." Tell me about it Clem. Tell me about it.  

2. John Travolta & Uma Thurman - Pulp Fiction - Jack Rabbit Slims

This is one of my favourite movie scenes of all time regardless of any food, and there's more than a couple to chose from in the whole movie. But, for me this is fantastic. Cool, sexy, romantic, funny, uncomfortable, and all washed down with a $5 shake. God damn! Not the full scene to its jiving end so you'll just have to go watch it. Again and again. 

1. Ray Liotta - Goodfellas - Dinner in Prison

Predictable? Probably. My favourite movie of all time and the pleasure it brings me is indescribable and I will never get bored of watching it. Despite the prison backdrop, it shows the Italian love and passion that goes into every meal. The critique of the sauce, the razor cut garlic system, bread, wine, "Now we can eat!" All the the tune of 'Beyond the Sea sung by Bobby Darin. Magical. 

What are your favourite foodie scenes of all time? 

Jason Atherton - Menu Watch

Found this great quote from chef Jason Atherton about the simplicity of food. How it should be:

"My philosophy in life is this: There is good food and there is bad food. I’ve eaten all over the world and I’ve had bad meals, so I’ve eaten bad food. It’s just bad food; it doesn’t matter what it’s dressed up as.

I’ve been to a beautiful steak restaurant in Italy by Dario Cecchini. All this guy does is crudités as a starter – the vegetables are grown in the garden. He washes them, puts them in a basket with garlic mayonnaise and that’s it.

You break them and you eat them, while he’s cooking this Florentine steak from his own cattle. He serves with it tempura ceps and artichokes. That’s it. It’s just delicious. So that’s great food.

It doesn’t matter if it’s three star, one star or no stars; if it’s good food, it’s good food."

Read the whole interview here.

Pork Until Forking Tender!

The boom of 'pulled pork' thanks to Adam Richman & co has got me salivating at the very thought of tucking into a burger with the melting pork slathered on top. Accompany this by supping a bottle of Goose Island wheat beer which I did in London last weekend at Lucky Chip vs. The Player Bar and stick a fork in me I'm done! 

I had some pork chops and wanted to marry them with BBQ sauce so I created this little number. It's not quite 'pulled' as that requires something on the bone like shoulder or ribs but it does turn the chops very tender indeed. For sides I have puckered it up with sweet potato and rosemary tempura chips, and a classic slaw. Don't forget the bottled beer. God bless America!

The BBQ sauce marinade (for 8 chops): 

400ml Passata  

200ml Water

100ml Tomato ketchup

4 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce

4 Tbsp. Soft brown sugar

2 Tsps. Smoked Paprika

2 Tsps. English mustard

2 Tsps. Salt

1 Tsps. Chilli Powder

Mix all the ingredients together in a saucepan and simmer for 15 minutes. Set aside. 

For the chops:

8 Pork chops 

Oil 

Salt & Pepper

BBQ sauce

Preheat your oven to 150c. Rub one side of each chop with the oil and season with the salt & pepper. Ideally get a griddle or griddle pan (a frying pan will do) smoking hot and place each chop oil side down. You probably have to do this in 2 or 3 batches as overcrowding the pan will drastically lower the temperature and the will not sear. 

Now oil and season the bare side of the chop while the other side is searing. Once the first side is coloured nicely, turn and when that side is done using tongs colour the fat on the sides. Once all the chops are done, lay them in a large roasting dish, overlapping slightly with the fatty rind raised up. Take the BBQ sauce and make sure the chops are completely covered and pour the rest of the sauce around the dish. 

If your dish has a lid use this or cover with foil and place in the oven for 2 hours. After the 2 hours uncover and cook for a further 15mins. 

Sweet potato & rosemary tempura chips: 

Tempura Batter

1 egg

250ml Ice cold sparking water

115g Plain flour

Pinch of Bicarbonate of soda

In a large bowl beat the water and egg together until frothy. Then beat in the flour and Bicarb until you have a smooth batter. 

1Tsp. Garlic Granules or puree

1 large sprig of rosemary, chopped (1Tbsp approx.).

Stir the garlic and rosemary and garlic into the batter. 

Heat your deep fat fryer to 190c. Cut the sweet potato into French fry (You can keep the skins on if you like) or potato chip discs, whatever takes your fancy. If your fryer is small you will have to do the chips in batches. It is very important not to overcrowd your basket as the batter will make them stick together. If you are confident enough take out the basket and fry them this way, but be very carefully when placing and removing the chips from the hot oil. Drain them on kitchen paper and place each batch to keep warm in the oven. This will also keep them crisp. 

The Slaw:

This can be made well in advance. 

½ Small white cabbage or ¼ of a large

1 Red onion

1 Medium carrot

1 Crisp red apple

4Tbsp. Mayonnaise 

4Tbsp. Sour cream

1Tsp. Horseradish

1Tsp. English mustard 

Salt & pepper

In a large bowl mix together the mayo, cream, horseradish, mustard and salt & pepper. Finely slice the cabbage, onion and grate the carrot and apple. Place them in the bowl and mix together until well combined. Check the seasoning, add more salt & pepper if necessary and place on the table or in the fridge until needed. 

To Finish:

When the chops have finished cooking, place them on a plate and keep warm in the oven. Now, tilt the roasting dish and try and spoon out any excess pork fat, being careful not to lose any sauce. If the sauce has dried a little and gone sticky just add a little boiling water, stir until the sauce comes together again, ‘cleaning’ dish as you go. Pass the sauce through a sieve and reserve.  

Plate up the pork chops and spoon the sauce over the top, and place the tempura chips on top. Serve them up with the slaw at the table and some soft sub or Scottish rolls. And don’t forget the beer! 

Three cheese stuffed mushrooms

As a child one of the things I thought worthy of a dip into room 101 was mushrooms. However, with most things you had an immediate dislike for (girls, good music, alcohol) you soon grow to love over the years, and 'la funghi' is no exception.

Cultivated mushrooms are available throughout the year. The most common three are the same, but are picked at different ages. Button: the youngest, small perfectly round closed cup; Cup: lipped, slightly larger and flatter; Flat: large, older, stronger and the ones that we are using for the purpose of this recipe.

The quantities for this recipe were for three mushrooms; adjust them for smaller or larger amounts. You can see how much stuffing you have, add a little more cream cheese or cheddar to bulk. I have used a plain cream cheese by a famous producer, who also have various flavoured products you could experiment with.

50g Butter, softened
Bunch flat leaf parsley
1 clove of garlic, crushed
3 large flat mushrooms, peeled, stalks removed and finely chopped
1/2 Red onion or 1 small shallot, finely diced
1 large heaped Tbsp of cream cheese
25g Red Cheddar, grated
Handful of breadcrumbs
25g of Parmesan Cheese or Grana Padano, grated
Olive oil
Salt & Pepper

1. Take half of the butter, finely chop some of the parsley, garlic and mix to make a garlic butter. Using a pastry brush, brush a baking tray lightly with the butter, the outside of the mushrooms and more generously inside the cup of each one. Season the cup with salt and pepper.

2. Take the other half of the butter and melt over a low heat in a small pan, add the diced onion and mushroom stalk. Sweat until the onion the onion is transparent. Meanwhile, in a bowl, add the cream cheese and cheddar, then when they're ready the onion/mushroom mix. Season with salt & pepper.

3. Spoon the mixture between the mushrooms, being careful not to over fill them. The mushrooms with shrink when cooked and the mixture with spread. Fill only slightly over the lip of each. Take the breadcrumbs and mix with the Parmesan, some more finely chopped parsley and bind with the olive oil a little at a time. When you squeeze the mix it should hold together. Pat the crumb on to each mushroom.

4. Place in the oven at 180c for 15-20 minutes or until the crumbs has turned golden brown. Good as a light lunch with rocket salad or to accompany steaks.

February: Savoy Cabbage

A trio of savoy cabbages came into work last week, heavy and fresh, with luscious outer leaves, no leathery wrinkles attacked by pesky invaders. They were perfect in every way, instantly you knew these were not long from the earth, the first crop of the year, straight into the kitchen, straight in the pan. 

The savoy cabbage, strong and bold, handles the harsh winter frosts and emerges in February providing a splash of green nourishment.The benefits read like a health store till receipt, providing fibre, vitamins A,C,K and B6, folate, potassium, manganese, thiamine, calcium, iron and magnesium. Alex James once wrote about how you could "actually eat yourself thin" by eating only cabbage soup, recommended by a heart surgeon. 

It's my favourite cabbage to cook, it has a wonderful nutty flavour, requires very little preparation and cooking to get the most out of it. The key word being 'little'; savoy or any cabbage should not be overcooked. Cut the stalks from the thicker outer leaves and shred (across the grain of the leaves) as fine as possible. Make sure you buy them whole and use them as you need them, pre-shredded packs will have a diminished vitamin content. 

1.Garlic and nutmeg savoy side 

This is a very simple recipe and is good for accompanying meats, particularly roast dinners. Other green brassicas, and white cabbage work well here but white must be finely shredded. The secret here is to soften the cabbage gently, not to saute (to brown) at high temperature, so the results are al dente and buttery. 

1Tbsp Olive oil

25g Unsalted butter

1/4 Savoy cabbage

1 small clove garlic

Whole nutmeg

Salt & Pepper

1. After shredding and rinsing the cabbage, finely crush the garlic. Heat the oil and butter over a low heat and  add the garlic. Sweat for 2 mins. 

2. Add the cabbage, coat in the butter well by stirring or tossing, and season with salt. This will help draw out moisture and prevent browning. The rest of the cooking time will depend, keep stirring or tossing, if your pan has a lid this will speed up the process, but after around 7-8 minutes the cabbage should be done. 

3.Grate about 1/4 tsp of nutmeg into the pan and a generous punch of freshly ground black pepper. Taste, and see if it requires further seasoning or nutmeg. Taste again. 

2.Belting braised gammon steaks and savoy cabbage

A classic combination, cabbage and bacon. In this instance I have used whole gammon steaks and braised them, and finished the final cooking liquor with cream. Braising allows the meat to cook 'slow n low', basically cooking at a lower temperature, for a long time. The result is tender meat, that falls apart at the touch and melts in the mouth. This method of cookery is particularly good for cheaper cuts meat, and would work equally as good with ham hocks or a whole joint of gammon.

4 thick smoked gammon steaks, any rind/fat trimmed off. 

Mirepoix, finely chopped. 

1 onion

2 sticks of celery

1 medium carrot

500ml chicken or vegetable stock

150ml double cream

50g butter

1 small savoy cabbage (half a large), finely shredded

500g baby/new potatoes peeled & left whole

oil

Salt & Pepper

1. Preheat oven to 150 C. You will need a large heavy based casserole pan, preferably with a lid. Heat some oil in a pan over a high heat and fry each steak 1/2 at a time until browned, and put aside.   

2. Reduce the heat of the pan, melt the butter and add the Mirepoix of vegetables. Sweat them down for 10 minutes. Once the vegetables are soft and translucent, put the steaks back in the pan. I doesn't matter if they overlap a little, add the stock (making sure not to cover the steaks, you may not need all of the stock) and some salt & pepper. Place the lid or foil lid on top and place in the oven (or on very low simmer on the stove) for an hour & half. Add the potatoes for the last half hour of cooking. 

3. Remove the gammon and potatoes and keep warm. Strain the cooking liquor and place back in the pan, discard the Mirepoix. Bring the liquor to the boil and add the savoy cabbage, simmer (about 10 minutes) until the cabbage is al dente (don't boil the cabbage). Stir in the cream, return the potatoes and correct the seasoning. 

4. In large bowls, using a slotted spoon, place the cabbage & potatoes first, and then perch your gammon steaks on top. Ladle the creamy cooking liquor over the top and serve with fresh crusty bread.  

Seasonal Update: February

"February is a suitable month for dying. Everything around is dead, the trees black and frozen so that the appearance of green shoots two months hence seems preposterous, the ground hard and cold, the snow dirty, the winter hateful, hanging too long. " - Anna Quindlen, One True Thing. 

It’s the shortest of our twelve months, maybe rightly so, frightful weather and the bridge between winter and March spring. However, in a culinary sense February has more to offer than commercialised heart shaped boxes of chocolates and pancake batter.

The land begins to emerge from its sleepy doldrums, with a stretch and groan; there are hints of spring to be found, but these are few and far between.  Historical English terms appropriately describe it as ‘Solmonath’ (Mud Month) and more importantly ‘Kale-monath’ because of the tough post frost sprouting brassicas kale and savoy cabbage.

Savoy is the jewel in the February crown, but other seasonal treats include chicory, carrots, and rose pink forced Yorkshire rhubarb. Combine these with the on-going availability of potatoes, and other root veg mean there are some comforting meals to take the mind off the unforgiving conditions outside.

There is little in the way of meat coming in, venison is still good and rabbit will be available for stewing, but really focus should be turned to the sea. Mussels are in season from September until March so should be sought out before it’s too late. Scallops are available all year round, but the native scallop is best in these wintery months and if you’re a Valentinus lover not a hater then there’s the aphrodisiacal Oyster.